Today’s episode covers a topic I know far too much about. The death of parents, family, and friends. I share things I have learned and experiences I have had. I give some tips for how to navigate this tough situation and things I wish I had known. But most of all I try to guide you through the toughest experience you will have in life. One that will happen no matter how much you tell yourself it won't.
Thanks for listening! Feel free to reach out at links below
Today’s episode covers a topic I know far too much about. The death of parents, family, and friends. I share things I have learned and experiences I have had. I give some tips for how to navigate this tough situation and things I wish I had known. But most of all I try to guide you through the toughest experience you will have in life. One that will happen no matter how much you tell yourself it won't.
Thanks for listening! Feel free to reach out at links below
Hi I'm Thomas welcome to the parachute advice. My life has taken a lot of twists and turns and on this podcast I will dive into those experiences the goal is to help everyone listening learn from my experiences, and hopefully avoid some of the mistakes I've made hi welcome to today's episode of the parachute advice podcast, I'm your host Thomas today I want to discuss a topic that frankly I've had far too much experience with in my 43 years alive the death of a loved one at this age we are all starting to lose loved ones, for many it's still grandparents or older relatives for some we're starting to hit that point where parents pass away and tragically for some it's spouses siblings and even children I can vividly remember to this day the first funeral I went to it was my uncle he had a massive heart attack and died at home in his 50s his youngest daughter found him dead on the bedroom floor it really affected me I was worried for weeks after that it was going to happen to my dad, the worst part is it turns out I was right it just took a few years longer than I expected my parents from an early age believe children should be exposed to death it was never meant to scare us but to educate us and help us get accustomed to what is inevitable well never discussed I've come to realize through my years there was likely due to their careers. They were both officers in the US Army it was who they were and they always knew there was a chance that they could be ordered a war and not come home in a moment's notice it's what they signed up for and they knew the risk this shaped a lot of my life growing up they were always preparing me the oldest to be there for my younger sister of anything happened here's where I'm going to share a hard truth with everyone everyone you love and care about will die you will die we all die it's how things play out there's no changing this no matter how hard you think you have prepared or thought about it not one death that happens will be easy yes, you will grow accustomed to the process and there are parts that will almost even become comfortable but it will never be easy after a few go-arounds you learn the process the process of grief the process of Death Becomes a routine part of your life you will see the five steps of grief coming you'll know how to prepare and you'll understand that they rarely hit a set order or a set period of time you'll just know the process if you're not familiar with the grief process here are the five primary steps denial anger bargaining depression and acceptance It's not linear and you won't go from one to the next Monday could be a day of anger Tuesday could be a day of denial and so on even 30 plus years after my dad died I still from time to time slip back into these steps my dad died when I was 11 years old I've mentioned this in previous episodes I'll never forget a single moment of that series of events there permanently seared in my mind from him rushing to the hospital from his heart attack on a sunny Saturday afternoon. After waiting far longer than he should have just so that he could first take me to my stupid violin lesson violin was something I took up because he did at my age and I wanted to be just like him when I grow up, I can still see like a vivid movie playing on repeat my head to look on people's faces as the hundred plus car procession from the church to the funeral home pass through the city with a police escort. To standing next to my mom by his flag-draped coffin in the cemetery with hundreds of friends family and Military standing there in orderly fashion while Taps plate to this day I can't hear taps or 21 gun salute without sending chills through my spine none of those experiences that 11 made it any easier 14 years later as my mom's flag-draped coffin was processed from the church to the same military cemetery to be buried with my father her husband coincidentally she died 14 years later nearly to the day I may not have ever mentioned this but both their deaths have permanently ruined Easter for me this used to be a big holiday in our house my dad was Lutheran in my mom Catholic as a result we would change off whose church we went to for special holidays, Christmas was at my mom's Church Easter was my dad's we would get up early for Sunrise Service and then head to my grandma's house while she was around and then our house later on for a home cook brunch in a day of family but my dad died on Easter Sunday, my mom died on Good Friday both the same April weekend 14 years apart but like I said in the second go-around parts were strangely easier not the things that ever should be easier but my mom made sure that when my dad died even at 11 years old I was a part of every step of things from planning the funeral to meeting with the estate attorney, well I could have barely told you what went on strangely when I had to do it all over again I just knew the process and the steps that needed to happen from what it would be like the moment she died to planning the funeral. We had talked a lot over the years about what our wishes would be and what to do from her DNR request meaning do not resuscitate to what her funeral would be like even wear to barrier and who to call from the military for help on anything that came up that I couldn't figure out for example I knew that her wish was to use life-sustaining measures up to the point where her quality of life would be affected. What is this mean for me well there I stood at 25 I had to look the doctor in the eye and ask if you keep doing CPR will she make a full recovery with no lasting effects like brain damage, the moment the doctor said no she would likely have brain damage I had to honor her wishes and tell them to stop all life-saving measures everyone out there who's listening who has aging parents or family who might be in this position to have to make the same call have this uncomfortable conversation now. The hard conversation now will be far easier than when the Panic sets in because the situation is come to be. If you've ever asked anyone to be your power of attorney and medical situations tell them your wishes be open and honest as hard as this conversation will be it's better to do it than not. Trust me when I say this from experience have this conversation with your loved ones like I mentioned earlier everyone we love will die so there's no point to avoid these conversations, I recently had a sit down and have this conversation with my sister as part of writing up my medical power of attorney documents was it easy or comfortable no but it had to be done next discuss burial and funeral plans to so people know the next steps, one weird reason why this is so important is because of the speed everything will happen if your loved one dies at a hospital or Care Facility within 30 to 60 Minutes someone is going to ask you what funeral home to. You don't want to be scrambling when that question is asked I'll tell you now it's like a hotel check out time they need the room cleared cleaned and ready, is it cold yes. But just be prepared for this because it will happen once a loved one dies you will be sucked into the death business for all of those involved in this process it's a business and you need to accept that because some hard conversations and shocking things will happen, I just mentioned the first just how quick the hospital ask where to send the body next is the funeral prep and this is going to be very expensive does a person have a cemetery spot where we need to find and purchase that did they leave plans as a how to handle their body, burial versus cremation all questions you should have had discussed ahead of time for my mom we had the VA Cemetery so that was set but each of my parents also had purchased plots very early on that used to be a pretty common thing back in the day, next is the casket where will the funeral be what type of accessories like funeral cards do you need when you need thank you note package what kind of flowers. And from there where help. This might be naive but I didn't realize you have to pay the priest or Minister who does the service even if it's your church it wasn't a lot of money but it's just another thing to think about then there's the logistics should he do a funeral on a weekday or weekend. How many people do you expect for my dad's we did what turned into a six-hour viewing on a Wednesday night and a church service with a viewing beforehand on a Thursday midday. Will the cemetery portion be public or private do you have a lot of people who may need to travel a long distance for the funeral, as you've probably figured out by now there is a lot to know and plan this is why it's so important to have these discussions ahead of time because all of this will be coming at you fast you may only have a few hours or a few days to sort all of this out my parents had always been very clear spend as little as possible. They saw no reason to waste money on expensive things like fancy coffins that would just go in the ground. That's said in 2004 when my mom passed away the funeral cost nearly seven thousand dollars here was another big surprise, the funeral home will want to be paid on the spot or asked you to sign over a life insurance policy to cover the cost, they will not be offering you any billing later options well this may be different for some be prepared to pay up front for the majority of according to the National Funeral Directors Association a basic funeral with viewing and burial Vault has a median cost of nine thousand five hundred dollars as of 2021, here's another big surprise if you haven't thought about this funerals are for the living and not the dead they're dead I've had this exact conversation with my sister. As far as I'm concerned when I die just toss my body in a dumpster and call it a day I'd rather she take the cost of the funeral and go on an amazing vacation, or at the very least throw a party to celebrate my life with family and friends let everyone eat and drink like there's no tomorrow and leave it at that I know that sounds cold and harsh but think about it what does the funeral matter maybe your specific religious beliefs require certain practices to reach an afterlife but mine don't personally I don't think any God cares how you're buried they care how you live, hell I've gone as far as researching free to virtually free options for burial in case you're curious barrier let's see is one of those free options there are some minor regulations but not many around how it has to be done as outlined in an article on Lifehacker, titled how to be legally buried at Sea you'll have to obtain an MPR essay Marine protection research and sanctuaries act General permit. And you do not have to be cremated but if you're choosing to be buried in a casket the casket must contain a minimum of 22 inch diameter holes must weigh at least 300 pounds and can't float for obvious reasons if you're forgoing a casket, the EPA recommends wrapping a natural fiber or cloth and adding additional weight so their body sinks. Materials that are not easily biodegraded like Plastics are not allowed with your body human remains must be released at least three miles away from any us short okay let's jump back to the topic at hand enough about my crazy Burial at Sea ideas, next is the funeral day that day is going to be about everyone else it's not going to be about you everyone who comes that day will share stories of how the death impacted them and touch them. I don't know how to explain it but it's just how it goes people like to be the center of attention when it comes to death or tragedy. I'm not saying everyone does but a lot of people do whether intended or not it's what happens hell I've been guilty of this I think we all have at some point. They'll be positives like stories about your loved one you never heard but too often it will be about how the person who's there to comfort you was impacted as badly by their loss as you were, on top of that the day of the funeral is going to fly by make sure to take time for yourself eat breakfast and plan a meal for later that evening no matter what you plan you'll forget to eat during the day,
after my dad's funeral we ended up eating McDonald's on the way home at 10:00 at night because we hadn't eaten since early that morning and that was the only thing that was open. For my mom's we had some friends from out of town staying with us so I planned pizza for late night delivery now comes the hard part the actual grieving process. The first few days and weeks are frankly the easiest you're so busy working through things you're just numb plus everyone's around there to help. Then one day it all changes your life transitions back to your normal routine friends and family don't understand why you're so upset and those acquaintances that wanted to help any way they could fade away just as fast as they had appeared I once heard grief explain this way, with the Viki Harrison quote grief is like the ocean it comes on waves ebbing and flowing, sometimes the water is calm and sometimes it's overwhelming all you can do is learn to swim over time the calm periods will be longer and the waves last, but just like the ocean there will be waves and sometimes terrible storms the initial period after the numbness wears off and before you learn to cope is the hardest and for me was the most dangerous portion. After my dad died I was too young to do too much damage with my destructive behavior that said looking back I feel terrible every day about how I handled it. Oftentimes lashing out at family especially my mom I acted everyday like it was her fault or that she had no idea what I was going through or what my dad's death was like for me, now that I'm an adult I realized no way I was right she didn't understand how it was because for her it was a thousand times worse. She went from having her best friend and Confidant and second parent to being a single mother with little to no support overnight, after my mom died it was a whole different story I had moved home to take care of our family dog in the house she left us it was in the suburbs of the city I was living in but it felt like a million miles away from where I had just been a few months earlier I'm more or less shit on all my friends cutting a lot of ties. I'd also just graduated college so I lost that structure to. Quickly my drinking got out of hand as well as my attitude by the end of things I was easily killing a 750 of hard alcohol a day and sometimes a case of beer oftentimes coming home for my second shift restaurant job. Drunk from going out with co-workers to just keep drinking till I passed out often in a lawn chair in the garage where I would just sit and chain smoke while pounding beers, there were far too many days I would just get up have a few drinks before I headed back to work just to get through the day thankfully I realized only after I basically got fired that I needed help and reached out to a therapist to help me turn things around. Something important I learned going through this as having to be open with yourself and others about what you're going through. Oftentimes you know what's wrong and what needs to happen but we pushed out of our minds or don't talk to others or reach out for help. But you must do that alright let's talk a little bit more about the five stages of grief I think people get hung up on what the names and stages mean as I mentioned earlier. Here are the five stages of grief denial anger bargaining depression and acceptance let's start with denial what exactly does this mean. Well it can be as real as simply refusing to accept that the loved one is gone you hear stories of this when the circumstances are murky or nobody is involved but for 99% of us. It's a more abstract concept you'll have those moments where you might think I should call my Dad or Mom tell them what just happened we're I'll talk to my grandmother next time I see her. To only suddenly remember what's happened if they're gone anger is probably the most open and in the view of all for me I spent years in this stage on and off piste it happen to me why did I have to be the one to lose my parents, it comes up from time to time when I hear people complaining like God my mom's calls are so annoying I had times would just lose it on people about this looking back it was just stupid. But I also realize it was part of the process that I had to go through bargaining is one I can say I really don't know much about you see this is more leading up to death or in people have been diagnosed with a terminal illness. I went through some of this while my mom was sick before she passed away. She had a severe infection on and off which ultimately led to her death and I would think about how I would give up this or that or do better in this or that if it would just clear up. But for me it really wasn't a big part of the process next is depression this is the hard one. I think it's the one that can be the most destructive and dangerous for me it was the drinking when my mom died and then later on with thoughts of suicide it's also the one that can be very hidden from others. I would say if you know someone who has lost a loved one watch for this stage that is when you should be there for them. It just elicit I'm no expert or professional in this area. But through personal experience if someone has been going through and showing outward signs of other stages and then suddenly nothing it's probably a good sign there in the stage of depression the same if they suddenly pull away from you or their emotions seem very unusual for them. This unfortunately at times can include people who suddenly seem very much at peace or outwardly happy. If in doubt reach out to them and Professionals for help with depression it can never hurt being too cautious with people. Acceptance is a tough one I don't think you ever fully get there but like I said several episodes ago for me. It was probably the hardest part in the entire Journey it came when I realized I was happy with who I had become why was this the hardest. Because part of who I had become was all the loss I had been through in my life. This includes the loss of my parents all of my grandparents some extended family and my best friend. All that loss made me who I am today for better or worse I had to accept this to move on and get right with myself, all right back to the grief process and the post loss period after the funeral prepare for the Long Haul portion this part will include an estate attorney in Probate plus I would recommend a CPA for the tax portion to I do my own taxes but when it comes to all the crazy estate stuff I would have been lost, plus keep this in mind the person that died is still required to file a tax return for the last year they were alive as they say there's only two things in life that are guaranteed death and taxes. Here's a tip that saved my butt a few times when doing the estate if you're the executor of the state the person in charge of managing things, ask for far more copies of the death certificate and domiciliary letters than you think you need just last year 17 years after my mom died I need each one of those for something I had missed way back then, what I would suggest is right before you close out the final estate stuff asked the attorney to get you 10 copies of each from the court yes this is going to cost you money but it will be easier than having to deal with it in the future and in the big picture only a minor additional cost, to this point please if you've named someone as your executor and your well talk with them. Keep them up-to-date with everything and easy way to do this is to share with them your net worth statement and notes on all of your insurance policies. Think about it this way if you don't trust the person with this info now why would you ever named them your executor when my dad died my mom didn't know he had taken out extra life insurance the only reason she found out was because the bill came she called and explained it what had happened and they said okay here's the check since he had died before the policy had lapsed. If the person passes away is received a lot of Medical Care be prepared to sort out all of the medical expenses and insurance stuff this could be very hard if they were on their own insurance policy you may need to get the attorney involved to prove your power of attorney over the estate. I tell this story all the time about when my dad died we were hit with over 2 million in medical bills think about this that was two million dollars in 1990. Easily could have bankrupted us but my mom was able to negotiate to get everything covered but here's where the stupidity comes in. The hospital agreed to cover a portion since part of the treatment is experimental and the rest would be paid up to the max of his health insurance policy. At the time health insurance policy still had lifetime Max's on their policy and for my dad's it was 1 million dollars but here's the crazy part. Before they paid they made my mother sign a document acknowledging that my dad who had just died could never get health insurance with them again they refused to pay the bills until my mom signed the document. Guaranteeing that the person who had just died would never try to take out health insurance again welcome to the chaos of dealing with death. Earlier when I mentioned having an issue come up 17 years after my mom died was a life insurance policy that she had taken out for my sister and myself when we were born. I'm listed as the owner and my sister is the beneficiary. All I needed to do was change the address so I could get the bill at my new house but I had to First prove that she had died and I was authorized to make that address change. I need a death certificate and a domiciliary letter so that I could just change everything over to my ownership. Here's another thing that is becoming a major pain in our modern lives digital info. This is one that is now a major part of most of our modern lives digital assets can include things like your Gmail email address or your Facebook account or your LinkedIn account. If you're not aware it's nearly impossible to get into those even if you have a power of attorney when my best friend died his wife was unable to access his Gmail account for important school stuff for their kids, one easy solution at one I set up is to start using a password management app for all of your digital stuff, the paid version of the software I use offers an emergency access feature the way it works is if the person you have approved and sent a link to request access you are alerted and if after a set time frame. That you have picked there's no effort to stop them from accessing your account they get full access to all of your passwords. Think of this as a dead man switch no pun intended to let someone gain access yeah most user agreements say that you cannot let others access your account and make changes like disable it or delete it well I say screw them and do what you need to do, I don't know all the fine print details, but let's talk about Banking and credit cards my parents always had joint and separate accounts one main reason is that in the event of death. They still had full control and access to at least some cash and credit cards till things were sorted out I tell all my friends to this day to have this in place you never know what could cause a roadblock same thing goes for things like your house and cars and how their title. I would suggest. As your financial life gets more complex and you have kids meet with an attorney to sort out some of this the small cost upfront to make sure things are done correctly, will pay off in the long run in the event of a sudden death, I'll never forget this story when I was about eight years old my dad took me to buy a new car he was teaching me how stuff like that worked like I mentioned earlier, my parents were always teaching me life lessons any chance they got they were of the view that while I may not remember every detail I would be better equipped for things just by observing these events. So there we were in the dealership strangely to this day I can remember every little detail about that day. We got to the end and the sales guy said he needed to get a coffee and we'll be right back my dad said great I'll just run this paperwork out to the car to have my wife sign it so that she is co-owner of the car I immediately said but Dad she's at home, it's the one and only time I can remember getting slapped the salesman just walked away and my dad signed her name on the title and explain it was so she could be co-owner in the event of his death. Did he need to do this I have no idea but what I took away from this most of all was that he was planning for a potential outcome and trying to avoid any potential issues if he were to die. Keep in mind at this time there was no loan my dad only paid cash for things like cars and homes back then why. Well back then the interest rate on a car loan could easily be over 10% I won't even begin to scare you with what a home loan was then let's say this I'll never complain about interest rates in today's lending environment. To that point have a will especially if you have kids and make plans for what will happen to them if both of you passed away suddenly. That may seem like a distant and unlikely thing what would be worse planning for this one-in-a-million occurrence that both parents died simultaneously. Or knowing that because you didn't plan for it your kids are just tossing the abyss of uncertainty while someone else sorts out where they're going to live and who's going to take care of them. Even if it's not the death of both parents but the short-term inability to care for them like an accent or something. And for God's sake talk to the person you pick to be their Guardian. While the surprise you are a guardian of small children storyline makes for a great Lifetime movie it's not the best plan. This must include clear communication between spouses don't ever make assumptions here's another topic for discussion between spouses or family member. What is the plan if the spouse who's the primary money manager dies this is a great reason to have a financial advisor or at least a trusted friend or family member who can help stop in to get them through the transitional period. I will never forget how important was for my dad who would do our family taxes every year to get them done while he was in the hospital after it had his initial heart attack he understood how important it was to get the taxes done since it was so close to the filing deadline and there was still a risk that he might pass away. Keep in mind back then if you did your own taxes it meant paper forms you usually got from the post office or library and a workbook to do the math. Which was done by hand with a calculator I vividly remember the next year and my mom carrying a paper grocery bag into the accountants office she had been referred to by her newly hired financial advisor while crying because she was so overwhelmed and lost as to what needed to happen. She needed her taxes are taxes in my and her dead husband's done and had no idea how to get it done. While she was a very smart and successful woman this was just something she had never been a part of it was always something my dad just handled. To that by the time she passed away you would have been blown away by the process and detail she had developed to manage it all and make sure if anything happened to her it would all be crystal clear to anyone. She also made sure that I was part of everything from meeting with the accountants every year to do taxes to meeting with the financial advisor this is something I think was huge for me to learn how to handle things in the long run, to this day I manage a large portion of my sister's finances but I make sure she's involved in every step from doing her own taxes while I observe every every year. To making sure she's on every call and goes to every meeting with our financial advisor I've seen her knowledge and skill in this area grow exponentially. I'm now very confident that if something happened to me it would not be as rough as it could have been just a few years ago, you never know what could happen families need to talk and make sure it's not just the easy stuff. And I just don't mean when you get old have these conversations the minute you are an adult and make it a regular routine hell my best friend's wife probably never assumed he would die at 37 and a tragic accident thank God they had plans in place. To that point if you're to that point if you have aging parents and multiple siblings have conversation with your parents about their plans and amongst the siblings. I don't mean to be cold or that you should expect to just get things but to have a simple plan in conversation about the important details is vital for example. Does your family have a summer cabin what happens if it's left all the kids how will expenses be divided up what if one of the siblings wants to be quote cashed out from the summer cabin how does that work would force everyone to sell the Summer Place. Same goes for the primary residence or the toys like boats and ATVs if a will isn't written correctly this could be a nightmare as well. You would be amazed how quickly people can lose their shit when money comes into play. To that point if you're making a will for yourself think about that maybe you just put in there that the estate will sell the property and then the proceeds will be divided up to prevent the issue altogether. Well it can be hard it may make sense to be open ahead of time about your wishes to. Maybe you've decided you're leaving your children nothing and it's all going to charity don't let that be a shock to your family in the end it's your call. But don't let it ruin things after you're gone by having things be a shot obviously this is a very personal thing and I'm just sharing my views on the topic, if you get nothing out of this entire episode get this one take away. Talk about the hard things early and often it will make the part you or they control that much easier thank you for listening please join me again for future episodes. You can contact me at parachute advice podcast at gmail.com again that's all one word parachute advice podcast at gmail.com. You can also follow me on Instagram at parachute advice again thank you for listening and please like And subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. Music.